Holy Crap Sneak Peek: The Aaaatheists

Aaaatheists (The Firsters)

            An Aaaatheist will not be coerced,
            Whether best, mediocre, or worst,
            To care if he’s right
            Or who has more might.
            It’s only about being first.

Aaath, the central deity of the Aaaatheist faith, doesn’t give a limp broccodile poop about anything other than being first at everything (even alphabetical order). My time among his clergy was hectic, frantic, and occasionally obnoxious. These are some of the most impulsive peeps out there. They never pause to consider consequences. Tact, etiquette, and planning are foreign to their mindset. At first glance, and that’s usually all a peep’s likely to get, Aaaatheists are frantic, impetuous, and unpredictable. If they have nothing to add to a conversation they’ll likely just yell “First!” and look around for someone to high five.


Life in an Aaaatheist enclave can be exhausting for an outsider. Even a few minutes in their company is enough to Frazzle most peeps. Why do they act this way? What does it all mean? I’m glad I asked. While their actions appear rash and flighty, and they often are those things, the goal is something else entirely. Aaaatheists strive for total harmony between thought and action. It’s not about thoughtless random nonsense, it’s about thinking so fast that decisions and the entire chain of consequences loosed by those decisions, become instinctive. Action no longer requires forethought, it just happens on its own. This might seem to contradict that first paragraph, but what I said was they never pause to consider consequences, not that they never consider them.

It’s not just unity between physical reactions and thunkular impulse these guys dig; intellectual pursuits also get the Aaaatheist treatment. Thinking without thought might sound oxymoronic (or at least regular moronic) until a peep considers we do it all the time. Did you think to yourself, “I shall consider reading the word ‘time’” before you read it at the end of that last sentence? Of course you didn’t. Just because Aaaatheists don’t stop to think doesn’t mean they don’t think. Sure, they babble nonsense most of the time, but sometimes all the noise just covers for the fact that they’re already six steps ahead of the conversation. The best Aaaatheists seem to know the answers to questions that haven’t even been asked yet. It’s not dementalism, but it could easily pass as such. Sure they’re impatient and rude, always pushing their way to the front of the line and shouting out answers without buzzing in, but Aaaatheists have a higher purpose.

According to the hastily blathered tenets of Aaaatheism, Almighty Aaaath, First of the Foremost, promises a third ingredient in the whole mind-body unity stew. If a nimble (as holy rollers of Aaaath are known) ever attains that perfect confluence of thought and action his essence will cease to exist on the Oithly plain, merging forever with the Fundamental blur that is Aaaath. Why would anybody want this? Well, in the opinion of Velocious Scram, Champ of the Aaaatheist enclave in Doop (where my surreptitious hustlings occurred), mingling with the essence of a gawd is pretty awesome. So far only three peeps in all of history are believed to have undergone this transformation. The first, legendary champion Firsto the First, First of the Firsters, exploded in a ball of light while battling a particularly ferocious horde of scary ass muthas. The second, Oono the Split, just sort of disappeared one day while popping out for a mug of suds. The third, a ridiculously obnoxious flew by the name of Zz… (He was in too much of a hurry for a full name) spontaneously erupted in flames while trying to outrun a swarm of time flies. I had the honor of actually being present for this latter transformation and it looked, to my untrained peepers, like any other random immolation. Still, Velocious Scram insists we witnessed a miraculous ascension and I’m not inclined to argue with someone who could likely yank the tongue from my gob before I even open it.

Rites, Rituals, and Observances

Aside from the constant races, dance-offs, games of freeze tag, and scurrying for position that accompanies their lifestyle, Aaaatheists don’t have much in the way of rituals. Occasionally, whenever enough nimbles spontaneously decide to do it, an assemblage of Aaaatheists will just take off running in the same direction to see who reaches a target location first. The results are ultimately confusing, since they seldom take the time to agree on the finish line before they start.

The Throng

It should come as no surprise that Aaaatheism is popular among flews and other spontaneous folks. Quite a few smelves and croaches dig this lifestyle as well. Conversely, it’s almost unheard of among snells, whose rational and often ponderous minds want nothing to do with such impetuous notions. Funguys, too, make poor Aaaatheists. They prefer to take take it all in, enjoying Oith’s hidden colors and wallowing in the experience of experience.

Aaaatheism, with its act first and never ask questions attitude, is gaining popularity among certain bands of scufflers, thugs, and other warsome peeps. For obvious reasons, the faith is particularly attractive to athletes, messengers, scouts, and peeps being chased by scary things.


The hallowed emblem of the Aaaatheist faith is a blue ribbon, often adorned with embellishments of auricrap and other sparkly jazz in the shape of the number one.


Although several habiliments, such as tube socks and overly-revealing shorts, are common among Aaaatheists, devotees don’t generally put a lot of thought into their wardrobe. Champs usually wear more ribbons and accolades than nimbles, but no scriptural decrees govern their vestments.

Sins, Virtues, and Offerings

Of all transgressions an Aaaatheist may commit, none is more blasphemous than deliberately letting someone else go first. It runs counter to all the sacred ramblings and continued transgressions could get a roller defrocked or worse. Devout Aaaatheists are forbidden to meditate, ruminate, noodle, muse, ponder, or deliberate. Patience is not a virtue.

Obviously, foremost among Aaaatheist virtues is that holy sacrament known as “Firsting”. It’s exactly what it sounds like. Not only is it the cardinal benevolence of the faith, it’s the way nimbles make amends when they screw up. Winning some races against a few chumps (or a few dozen speedy dudes, depending on the gravity of the offense) is usually enough for a roller to get back onto Aaaath’s roster.






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