Not of this Oith
If you wonder if someone you spy
Is an oofo or some other guy
Just nab a chance
To yoink down his pants
And you’ll notice he lacks a brown eye
The Low Down
Oofos are the descendants of ancient visitors who came to Oith gazillions of years ago from distant elsewheres beyond the moon and far, far away. They’ve lost all contact with their estranged ancestors, thanks to the Time of the Flush and its resultant calamities, but erstwhile vestiges of those absent peeps and their befuddling inventions remain. Such scarce and scattered artifacts are obsessively sought by oofos everywhere, many of whom dedicate their lives to this fixation in a vain (yet occasionally productive) attempt to reconnect with their departed ilk.
Although a wide variety of oofos populate the Oith, the most common are the uncanny peeps occasionally known as drabs (but usually just known as oofos). These guys sport little wiggly antennae, long, slender necks, bulging eyes, smooth skin, and frequently translucent noggins, through which their pulsating noodles might be glimpsed. Oofos are all about the brains, since they widely consider themselves the most intelligent of Oith’s denizens. Such may or may not be the case (the average dweeb could outsmart an oofo with one lobe tied behind its occipital condyle), but their brainpower is evident in at least one impressive practice: their acumen with the Fundamental art of dementalism. Most wisenheimers agree oofos are the only peeps, at least the only peeps among Oith’s populous denizens, with the snazz for that particular zazz. Whether this is because they’re smart or just through some quirk of anatomy is an argument for someone else to have.
Spectacularly be-brained as they may be, oofos lack one fundamental fundament shared by just about everyone else. I’m speaking, of course, about the humble buns. More specifically, the buns hole. Oofos apparently have incredibly efficient digestive systems (or perhaps some other way of removing waste). As such, they have no use for terminal vents. In fact, they often find the concept fascinating, obsessively fixating on the rump nostrils of other peeps. This has led to a great many embarrassing and/or disastrous interactions. One only need read of the Prodigious Probings of Doop in 532 yafwaf to find a recent example.
Most oofos prefer to use their considerable noggins to avoid confrontation. When this fails, as it often does, they aren’t above either running for their lives or delivering a fresh-baked order of buns kick, usually in the form of a dementalistic brain wedgie or a telekinetic jink of one sort or another (from those with the knack for such things).
Getting Along With Others
Oofos really are a lot better than everybody else. It’s an incontestable fact. They use bigger words than most peeps and they can do long division like nobody’s business. Still, they’re not arrogant, just telling it like it is. Of course, oofos are relatively rare, so hanging out with less intelligent beings is pretty much unavoidable. To cope with the inferior rabble, oofos have developed a couple of brilliant mechanisms and tactics. First, they are extremely adept at pretending to be less intelligent than they think they are. This has a relaxing effect on most oithlings, who might otherwise resent an oofo’s ingenious ingeniousnessness. Second, an oofo’s tendency to obsessively fixate on a particular goal distracts her from contemplating the inferiority of the common populace. Many oofos have mastered these skills with such alacrity they no longer even have to try to maintain them. Obsession and idiocy have become second nature to such peeps, making it extremely difficult to tell an oofo who’s really good at pretending from one who’s just stupid.
Many oofos dig names that glorify their unoithly ancestry. Plenty of voiced alveolar sibilants, uvular fricatives, and pompous appellatives invade their monikers like so many unwelcome probes. Zorxulon 2×1012, Zolto Moonspawn, Swovv Zinkleman, Xixxzozz from Elsewhere, and Plixnoxxulon (Mender of Oithlings) are a few I’ve met. Others are all about the dementalism, brandishing relevant eponyms and sobriquets. Witness the swagger of such magnificent noggin-havers as Trozgoxx the Lobe, Xilquozo of the Ninth Demention, Blozozo Braindrainer, Choozboxxle the Cognimancer, and Ilz the Diffident.