My friends… and enemies…. hear me now for I have great new! Well, maybe just good news. I have some news.
Firstly: Andy is working diligently on Holy Crap! It will cover all the religions of Oith and as of this typing, he only has 3,046 pages left to go. The tome will be magnificent… bound in the finest Jeezle Freak polyester and bejeweled with loads of crap. Not just any crap… but the finest hand selected crap chosen for its freshness and purity. The book will be a sight to behold and beflush! To tide you over here is a sample of just one of the 46,001 random entries:
The Oith is a lowly latrine
Clogged with filth wholly obscene!
So we scrub, polish, and mop!
Shine! Flush away slop!
The devout purge the unclean!
Oith, let’s face it, is a filthy, filthy place. The dirt on our dirt has dirt on its dirt. There are more glumps of slime, smut, sediment, sewage, silt, stench, sleaze, slop, scuzz, stink, sludge, and other repugnant things (some of which don’t start with “s”) in a single yort of Ewgian swamp than there are bars of soap on the entire grody glob. Most peeps assume this is the natural way of things. After all, of what would Oith be constituted if not dirt and mud and rocks? Well, the Polishers have an answer for that. These puritanical purifiers believe all the dirt, dinge, dregs, and dung conceal a greater architecture, a flawless and unblemished Fundamental underlayment. This pristine hygienic scaffold is the Oith’s true quintessence—a gleaming osteology concealed beneath uncountable layers of putridity, feculence, and corruption. Those luminous dots in the darkened sky aren’t distant suns as so many misguided wisenheimers would have us believe. Those are planets, shining as planets are supposed to shine, bereft of the filth that clings so tenaciously to our own odorous orb. The Polishers (also known as the Clean Freaks) endeavor to rectify this situation. Their plot may seem hopeless, considering the immensity of such an undertaking, but great workings require greater ambition.
According to Polisher dogma, as laid down on a collection of paper towels immaculately protected in the sacred Cupboard of Custodial Cleanliness atop the pinnacle of Shiny Butte in the crags halfway between Yapple and Old Ooorlquar, the Flush and all the bad times that followed can be attributed to one thing alone—a comprehensive disrespect for the laws of purity and tidiness. Like an obstinate larva who steadfastly refuses to clean her room no matter how much you threaten to gather up all her toys and give them to somebody who would actually appreciate them, the Hoomanrace became poor custodians of the Oith. They accumulated filth, putrescence, and pollution like such things were cherished valuables, refusing to clean their planet no matter how many admonitory cataclysms and reprimanding apocalypses the gawds served up. Eventually, the dinge became too thick. The Oith was gunked with detritus, excrement, and impurity. The gawds decided to wipe the works and start over. They hadn’t made the mess and it wasn’t their responsibility to clean it up, but perhaps those who rose from the debris would be better custodians…
Enter us—Oith’s current inhabitants and inheritors of an ancient and squalid legacy. Admittedly, we haven’t done much to clean up the digs. In fact, such endeavors are as far from the minds of most peeps as the Incredibly Huge Monster™’s tonsils are from the Incredibly Huge Monster™’s toenails. Crudbrothers in particular detest the very notion of cleanliness on religious grounds. Contanimants and piles literally wouldn’t exist without filth. Werms burrow in muck. Croaches and dungces eat the stuff. Coblins ripen their young in it. What would happen if all the dirt and dreck and gunk were somehow washed completely away? Wouldn’t everyone croak? I mean, where would peeps grow their food? What would we use to build our homes and… Well, it doesn’t take a great imagination to envision a horde of potential problems that would arise should we suddenly find ourselves on an Oith devoid of mud and soil. No worries, though, the Polishers have a solution. According to the gab they spout, once the Oith is returned to its original state of pristine minty freshness its gleaming skeleton will be revealed and the glob will take its rightful place as a twinkling testament to immaculate purity, illuminating the night skies of distant worlds. What of those valiant janitors who scrubbed the foulness away? The Polishers believe they will be rewarded for their efforts by being transformed into those untarnished and impeccable Fundamental entities known as pristians. They alone will inhabit the new Oith, frolicking in numinous bliss for the rest of eternity (while everyone else, presumably, just disintegrates or wanders off into some unknown elsewhere; the liturgies are conspicuously silent on this subject).
Pristians embody all that is wholesome, unsullied, and exquisite. They are the faultless and irreproachable incarnations of cleanliness, decency, propriety, and moral fortitude. Polishers believe pristians are the emissaries of an unnamed gawd, the sinless and virtuous amanuenses of that ephemeral entity. Why unnamed? It seems Polishers regard even their own tongues as too debased and vile to utter whatever his or her name may be. Is it one of Jelvis’s Patron Stains? An aspect of Boorglezar? An incarnation of one of the Karmasuturan gawds? Somebody else entirely? If anyone knows they aren’t opening their spouts widely enough to utter it.
For obvious reasons, Clean Freaks have considerable difficulty interacting with devotees of several other faiths. They get along with Crudbrothers about as well as Jemimah’s Witnesses get along with Hoomanitarians. The two factions are constant adversaries, each antithetically opposed to everything for which the other stands. So too do they dispute the rightness of any creed that resists the Oith’s impending bubble bath. Since that includes just about everybody (few peeps, no matter how fervent their convictions, actually want to be scoured from the glob), Polishers do not have many friends.
Secondly: Oddmall is just around the corner! We are gearing up for the Akron show, Oddmall: Emporium of the Weird on April 30th – May 1st! Currently we have just under 20 booths left so don’t miss out and grab one fast. Don’t forget to attend the show as well! All the info can be found right here.
Thirdly: Mutha Oith Creations is still posting PDF versions of our products on RPGnow! Go check it out and download the free stuff! (And the pay stuff if you would like)
Fourthly: We have an update on Con on the Cob but just to make it interesting, I will put that up tomorrow. (Actually it’s still being written and I want everyone to have something to look forward to… so Yay)!
Fifthly: Hi Thom!
I love you all! Andy also loves you! Krystal tolerates you as well! Yay for Team MOC!
(All typos are intentional)